Thursday, July 29, 2004

I once heard you're more likely to be sued than go to the hospital. . .

> Age 6

*Climbing on the top of the monkey bars, tried to wave bye to our babysitter friend- fell through onto a rock
Stitches - this time the hospital came to me
*Being pulled on a blanket- hit my head on a speaker going around a corner
*Doing flips on the bars at a K-Mart or something similar- hit my head
i think i may have just knocked myself out. . . but i'm pretty sure i had to have Stitches
*Playing "For She's a Jolly Good Fellow"- right arm pulled out of the socket,
Dad popped it back in. . . no hospital trip.
*Jumping from bed to trundle-bed - landed on the trudle bed bar, trundle bed collapsed on my foot when cousin jumped on it- Broken foot. didn't even cry.

Ages 6 - 18

* Playing with conveyor belt at grocery store - Hand got stuck -
Hardcore burn on my left hand, was given a band-aid - should have sued.
Didn't cry
* Running through theater in Underground Atlanta, tripped on a rug & hit my head on a fancy baseboard
Didn't cry
*Lighter Fight gone wrong-
Left ring finger Metacarpal broken
Didn't cry - waited a week to see a doctor

> 19
*Attempting to open a window - window shattered
Stitches in left pinky. Damaged nerve- should have sued hospital.
. . . cried

I'm sure i'm forgetting something.
Am i doomed?

Saturday, July 24, 2004

The Midnight Mail Man eats his vanilla milk shakes with attitude.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

I went to warped tour yesterday.
I tried to get in with my "Battle of the Bands Band Access Pass" from 2000 when friends played in Nashville & brought me along. . . but the fucker at the gate was like examining it & said
"what is this? this is from 4 years ago. . . why are you trying to use this here?"
he was like, holding onto it tightly, but luckily I had it looped through my underwear strap, so he wasn't gonna get it
and i said "wouldn't you?" and snatched it out of his vise-like grip
then i turned & walked away. . .
to buy a ticket.
I saw some pretty great shit for 23 bucks though- Atmosphere, (who is my JAM), Thursday, a little NOFX, part of a song from Alkaline Trio, who used to be a high-school pop-punk favorite, (judge me not) and the highlight of the festival- Bad Religion.
Jesus Fuck those guys ROCK.
It was kind of sad though, people were all dancing and pushing and falling and crowd surfing and sweating. . . but i saw like, 3 people who were actually singing along. . . They played fucking American Jesus for Christ's sake. . . (yeah, i know, i'm hilarious) and they played Atomic Garden- both perfect for Salt Lake City, Utah. I think most of the people missed the point completely. Even sadder, i think more people were at Yellowcard than Bad Religion-
i know, yeah yeah. i saw Yellowcard. . . but they're damn good & they stayed at my friend's house when they came through atlanta in like. . . 99. . . so i wanted to say hi and shit but there were hundreds of people, acting a' fool, mostly girls with eye make-up smearing off of their skinny, sweaty faces. come to think of it, i actually have the guitarist & drummer's home phone number, and a signed cd from years ago. . . i probably should have brought those & sold them for rediculously high prices. . .
After the show i was gonna go home, but i figured i'd try to find a friend's house in the city that i'd been to once before- i ended up driving straight to it, no wrong turns- just ended up there- it was magic. we sat on the porch overlooking the city, listening to fucking stellar tunes, drinking beer, talking about real things, living, feeling. . . it was a beautiful night. It stormed thick rain with giant beautiful bolts of lightning & we yelled and cheered and whooped with vehemence at the thunder. The rain smells marvelous.

Gee, should i just go ahead and get a livejournal account? . . . sorry for the cheesy entry about "My Day"

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

an old friend just said
"i volunteer at a hospital. . .
don't ever get hemorrhoids"

Monday, July 12, 2004

Does Dennis Leary have cancer yet?

Sunday, July 11, 2004

Some idiot on NPR's "This American Life," one of my favorite segments, is talking about his mission to get "The Puppy Channel" on the air

"All puppies, All day, All night, All the time"

He just said "37% of people polled prefered it to CNBC". . . seriously?

This is "Best in Show" rediculous. . . funnier even, the man actually sounds a LOT like Fred Willard. . . only, this isn't a mockumentary, this is his life. . . his american life.

Did anyone happen to catch this segment?

Thursday, July 08, 2004

i'm sitting by the pool trying to relax when from behind me i hear obnoxiously high-pitched voices. i take off my head-phones & prepare to leave when i hear:

#1- "do you have the new kelly clarkson cd?"
#2- "ooooo, not yet!"
#1- "i want it sooo bad! she is awesome.
#2- "i know, so awesome!"

if by awesome you mean no-talent ass-clown, then: i know, so awesome!
good god where did we go wrong?

i get home & my roommate suggests we have a "movie night"
"uuh. . ok"
i have no friends anyway. . . i'll be here
"just please, for the love of cheese, don't get anything with that girl from "ella enchanted" in it. . . n..not that i didn't love going to see it with you the other night, just. . . promise me"

i just got back from the store & she's q-ing up the movie with our neighbor.

me- "what did you end up getting?"
her-"how to deal"
me- ". . . oh?"
her-"it's a mandy moore movie"
me- ". . . oh"
her-"you don't like mandy moore?"
me- ". . . n. . no"

my life is turning into one big teenie bopper movie.

. . .

and now i'm bored.

i bet it hasn't gotten too far into the plot. . .

Monday, July 05, 2004

We hid in the bushes by the house in the back yard & peed in a cup.
We mixed in a banana & some sugar packets from the van in the driveway.

Mom: Kristen
Me: Yeah
Mom: Jennifer's mother just called. . .
she's throwing up. She told her mom you made her drink your pee.
Is that true?
Me: Not exactly.
Mom: Well, what exactly then?
Me: It was supposed to be for John-Paul

(an older boy who lived down the street)

but he wouldn't drink it,

(i'm guessing it was because a 6 year old knows "milk shakes" are not warm with big chunks of bananas. . . and 4 year olds don't normally make them)

so i told Jennifer to. . . thinking she would pretend to drink it. . .

(so john paul would believe we were legit.
she was fucking IN on it. she fucking KNEW)

I don't remember getting in trouble for this one. . .
I mean, what the hell would you do if you got a call from an angry parent claiming your kid made their kid drink piss?

It was her own damn fault.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

i'm sorry the funny is lacking so much as of late.
i will get on that.