Today is my lovely sister Allison's 23rd birthday.
Check my fotolog to see how much I love her because I don't have time to write before i go out dancing with her and don't want to ruin my makeup. . . and i will if I think about how much she means to me and how lost I would be without her.
Allison is the reason I feel bad for every kid who was an only child.
I love you Bunny Ducky.
Saturday, February 28, 2004
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
Friday, February 20, 2004
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
the family is out of town for the week and i'm all alone.
all alone to fill the bathtub up all the way
and leave my towels and clothes all over the floor in a ball
i've been leaving the door open when i pee.
i'm all alone to sing old jazzy songs really loudly to myself
(and to the cat.)
alone to leave the refrigerator door open because this time,
there IS a movie showing in there.
i've been messing up rooms and leaving my stuff everywhere.
i've been leaving milk out and dishes in the sink.
i've been borrowing my little brother's truck
and parking in the drive-way so no one else can get out.
and generally
rebelling it out.
i skipped school 3 times.
all alone to fill the bathtub up all the way
and leave my towels and clothes all over the floor in a ball
i've been leaving the door open when i pee.
i'm all alone to sing old jazzy songs really loudly to myself
(and to the cat.)
alone to leave the refrigerator door open because this time,
there IS a movie showing in there.
i've been messing up rooms and leaving my stuff everywhere.
i've been leaving milk out and dishes in the sink.
i've been borrowing my little brother's truck
and parking in the drive-way so no one else can get out.
and generally
rebelling it out.
i skipped school 3 times.
Sunday, February 08, 2004
Sunday, February 01, 2004
When I get really rich i'm gonna buy my friends the same car. . . Same make, same model, same bright pink color. I'm thinking like, SUVs with no keyless entry or electronic beeping car alarm panic button or anything. No way of telling them apart. I'd keep the titles in my name and offer my friends a free car they aren't allowed to modify physically. No paint jobs, no stickers, nothing unless I say so.
They'll all come over for a party and park in the driveway and all around my house. The next morning they'd all be very confused as to which one was theirs.
I would laugh and laugh, as my car would be different.
They'll all come over for a party and park in the driveway and all around my house. The next morning they'd all be very confused as to which one was theirs.
I would laugh and laugh, as my car would be different.
Saturday, January 31, 2004
Saturday, January 24, 2004
I hate it when you need to sneeze and your mouth's full, because you either have to
A: try to open your mouth only slightly in an effort to not sneeze bits of food all over yourself and your surroundings less they be other people or not, or
B: sneeze through your nose and risk snotting all over your face. . . but who the hell sneezes through their nose?
A: try to open your mouth only slightly in an effort to not sneeze bits of food all over yourself and your surroundings less they be other people or not, or
B: sneeze through your nose and risk snotting all over your face. . . but who the hell sneezes through their nose?
Who dat der?
Do me a favor and comment sometime. I know one person stops in once in while, but even the idiot who asked me to do this in the first place can't keep up with her own blog, muchless read about my shenanegans and goings-on.
It's a Saturday afternoon and I'm cleaning out my mother's refrigerator.
Do me a favor and comment sometime. I know one person stops in once in while, but even the idiot who asked me to do this in the first place can't keep up with her own blog, muchless read about my shenanegans and goings-on.
It's a Saturday afternoon and I'm cleaning out my mother's refrigerator.
Friday, January 23, 2004
Why Picard is superior to Kirk.
1. Picard's worst episodes were originally written for Kirk.
2. Picard discovers new life, new civilizations and strange new worlds, not discarded movie sets from period 1950's dramas.
3. Picard can act out entire Shakespearean plays, not merely remember 1 or 2 lines.
4. Picard can get his ship to orbit a planet in both directions.
5. Picard would never ever date a shape-shifter who had previously morphed into a little girl.
6. Picard doesn't need to wear glasses.
7. Picard didn't have to reprogram a computer to give him better grades in order to graduate from Starfleet Academy.
8. Picard has a ship whose engines can take it.
9. Picard has to contend with the "Prime Directive" - a ruling imposed on him by Starfleet after they saw what a complete shambles resulted when they let Kirk meet new alien races.
10. Picard never met Joan Collins.
11. Picard's bridge doesn't sound like an aviary.
12. One question: to which Captain would you entrust the safety of your daughter?
13. Picard is far too cool to beam down to a planet, strip to his waist and wrestle with some guy in a rubber lizard suit. He lets his First Officer do all that for him.
14. Picard never shot his best friend's body into space in a photon torpedo.
15. Kirk probably thinks a concerto is a kind of ice cream dessert.
16. Picard doesn't need hair - real or not.
17. Picard's crew are too sophisticated to be taken over by a bunch of women in go-go boots and have the most intelligent person aboard controlled by a box that has less buttons than a Super Nintendo joypad.
18. If their situations were reversed, Kirk would probably nail Troi. Picard has standards.
19. Kirk can just about drive a stick-shift. Picard sells Pontiacs during the commercial break.
20. Picard has a real bar aboard his ship.
21. Picard would never have let his second in command irradiate himself in the engine room.
22. Unlike Kirk's, Picard's middle name doesn't sound like an infectious disease.
23. Kirk has to fight Klingons to get his way. Picard only has to tell them what to do.
24. Picard has a small, convenient hands-free communicator, not a Fisher Price spin-n-whizz baby toy.
25. Picard would never let himself get turned into a woman.
26. Picard never has to sign an Etch-a-Sketch attendance register kept by Yeomans with hair like a helter-skelter.
27. Picard never cries in front of his crew when one of them gets killed.
28. Kirk is so boring he's caused several computers to self-destruct merely by talking to them.
29. Picard knows how to make a starship last. Kirk has gone through 3 already; that's a trifle careless.
30. Picard can climb rocks without falling off.
31. Picard's uniform fits. Particularly around the midriff.
32. Picard had a large serrated knife pushed into his back, through his heart and out his chest.... and he just Laughed at it!!
33. Kirk fights like Adam West.
34. Picard blows up another starship more than once a season.
35. Picard never has to put bits of Lego into his computers to make them work.
36. Picard's phaser fires a burst of potentially lethal energy. It does not fire a stream of red felt-tip pen.
37. Picard never needs a pessimistic Scot to beam him out of the crap when things get ugly.
38. When Picard has a holiday he goes home, gets drunk and brawls. Kirk sits at a camp-fire toasting marshmallows while singing "Row row row your boat" .
39. Picard ate Romulan soup and didn't even flinch. Much.
40. Picard doesn't need to jump through big stone doughnuts to travel in time.
41. Picard would never let his son get killed by Klingons.
42. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked around Sherwood Forest. Kirk has no sense of humour.
43. If Kirk had a doctor like Beverly Crusher, Starfleet would have to relocate the command chair in sick-bay.
44. Picard isn't afraid to go places without a security team.
45. Picard doesn't wear pansy sailor-boy markings on his cuffs.
46. Picard has shuttlecraft that can travel faster than Kirk's ship.
47. Picard won't spend his retirement writing science fiction books or making cameo appearances in Zemeckis & Zemeckis films.
48. Picard was never demoted to a lieutenant in the L.A. Police Department.
49. Picard's doctor doesn't have to keep reminding him what her job is.
50. Picard's main viewer is a 200 inch hi-definition TV with Nicam and Pro-Logic surround-sound .
51. Picard can spend more than 15 minutes on a planet before being shot at or locked up.
52. Picard's ship was never taken over by a door-to-door salesman.
53. If the Borg had assimilated Kirk, they wouldn't have learned anything.
54. Picard would never blow up his own ship.
55. Imagine you have to impose your authority: "This is Captain Jean Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Now introduce yourself as "James Tiberius Kirk, but you can call me Jim." See the difference?
56. Two Words: better voice.
57. Picard was responsible for Beverly Crusher's husband dying, berated her son constantly in her presence, yet still managed to make her fall for him.
58. Picard was never killed by his first officer.
59. Picard's family made alcoholic beverages for a living.
60. No member of Picard's crew was EVER based on a member of the Monkees.
61. better actor.
62. Picard can do better impressions of his first officer.
63. Picard's crew members sleep with one another on a regular basis.
64. Picard's crew gambles.
65. Picard's ship has better control panels instead of a series of Lite-Brite boards.
66. Picard would never star in a show like "T.J. Hooker."
67. Picard's ship was never taken over by its own computer and made to attack other Starfleet vessels.
68. Picard has never been made into a bad Filmation cartoon.
69. Picard was able to bring Denise Crosby back from the dead. Need we say more?
70. Picard infiltrated Romulus, posed as an intergalactic mercenary, and was tortured extensively after capture by the Cardassians -- and never broke a sweat.
71. Picard has never been demoted.
72. Picard has never had his body taken over by a former lover.
73. Picard has never developed amnesia and thought he was an Indian.
74. Picard's quarters have a window.
75. Nobody ever back-slaps Picard.
76. It's unlikely Picard ever contracted a sexually-transmitted disease.
77. One word: diagnostic (Never heard it on the old show.)
78. Picard has hair on his chest.
79. Picard can actually make being bald, middle-aged, and scrawny look sexy & macho.
80. Picard hired Whoopi Goldberg to work in his bar.
81. Picard is not afraid to mind-meld.
82. Picard's ex kept her name even after the divorce; Kirk's kept it a secret even from her son.
83. Picard has never messed up with the transporter.
84. Picard wasn't afraid to take on Satan.
85. Picard knows Gilgamesh & is able to recite it.
86. Picard argues with his captors while being tortured, Kirk merely screams in agony.
87. Picard never brought a woman back from the 20th Century only to have her blow him off in front of the entire Federation assembly.
88. When Picard talks, people listen.
89. If Khan came aboard Picard's ship, Picard would have had the common sense to restrict what technical manuals he would've been allowed to review.
90. If Picard found a huge glowing sphere in the middle of outer space only to discover it was controlled by a child with an ugly puppet, he'd be pissed.
91. Picard would never ATTEMPT hand-to-hand combat with a Gorn.
92. Picard would never have dropped the charges against Khan.
93. When Kirk went back in time, he frequently messed with history to suit his own ends.
94. When Picard goes undercover, he makes it look easy.
95. Though Picard has contempt for aliens like the Cardassians, he doesn't let it show.
96. Assimilating has never been a problem for Picard.
97. Picard has never trashed Gene Roddenberry.
1. Picard's worst episodes were originally written for Kirk.
2. Picard discovers new life, new civilizations and strange new worlds, not discarded movie sets from period 1950's dramas.
3. Picard can act out entire Shakespearean plays, not merely remember 1 or 2 lines.
4. Picard can get his ship to orbit a planet in both directions.
5. Picard would never ever date a shape-shifter who had previously morphed into a little girl.
6. Picard doesn't need to wear glasses.
7. Picard didn't have to reprogram a computer to give him better grades in order to graduate from Starfleet Academy.
8. Picard has a ship whose engines can take it.
9. Picard has to contend with the "Prime Directive" - a ruling imposed on him by Starfleet after they saw what a complete shambles resulted when they let Kirk meet new alien races.
10. Picard never met Joan Collins.
11. Picard's bridge doesn't sound like an aviary.
12. One question: to which Captain would you entrust the safety of your daughter?
13. Picard is far too cool to beam down to a planet, strip to his waist and wrestle with some guy in a rubber lizard suit. He lets his First Officer do all that for him.
14. Picard never shot his best friend's body into space in a photon torpedo.
15. Kirk probably thinks a concerto is a kind of ice cream dessert.
16. Picard doesn't need hair - real or not.
17. Picard's crew are too sophisticated to be taken over by a bunch of women in go-go boots and have the most intelligent person aboard controlled by a box that has less buttons than a Super Nintendo joypad.
18. If their situations were reversed, Kirk would probably nail Troi. Picard has standards.
19. Kirk can just about drive a stick-shift. Picard sells Pontiacs during the commercial break.
20. Picard has a real bar aboard his ship.
21. Picard would never have let his second in command irradiate himself in the engine room.
22. Unlike Kirk's, Picard's middle name doesn't sound like an infectious disease.
23. Kirk has to fight Klingons to get his way. Picard only has to tell them what to do.
24. Picard has a small, convenient hands-free communicator, not a Fisher Price spin-n-whizz baby toy.
25. Picard would never let himself get turned into a woman.
26. Picard never has to sign an Etch-a-Sketch attendance register kept by Yeomans with hair like a helter-skelter.
27. Picard never cries in front of his crew when one of them gets killed.
28. Kirk is so boring he's caused several computers to self-destruct merely by talking to them.
29. Picard knows how to make a starship last. Kirk has gone through 3 already; that's a trifle careless.
30. Picard can climb rocks without falling off.
31. Picard's uniform fits. Particularly around the midriff.
32. Picard had a large serrated knife pushed into his back, through his heart and out his chest.... and he just Laughed at it!!
33. Kirk fights like Adam West.
34. Picard blows up another starship more than once a season.
35. Picard never has to put bits of Lego into his computers to make them work.
36. Picard's phaser fires a burst of potentially lethal energy. It does not fire a stream of red felt-tip pen.
37. Picard never needs a pessimistic Scot to beam him out of the crap when things get ugly.
38. When Picard has a holiday he goes home, gets drunk and brawls. Kirk sits at a camp-fire toasting marshmallows while singing "Row row row your boat" .
39. Picard ate Romulan soup and didn't even flinch. Much.
40. Picard doesn't need to jump through big stone doughnuts to travel in time.
41. Picard would never let his son get killed by Klingons.
42. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked around Sherwood Forest. Kirk has no sense of humour.
43. If Kirk had a doctor like Beverly Crusher, Starfleet would have to relocate the command chair in sick-bay.
44. Picard isn't afraid to go places without a security team.
45. Picard doesn't wear pansy sailor-boy markings on his cuffs.
46. Picard has shuttlecraft that can travel faster than Kirk's ship.
47. Picard won't spend his retirement writing science fiction books or making cameo appearances in Zemeckis & Zemeckis films.
48. Picard was never demoted to a lieutenant in the L.A. Police Department.
49. Picard's doctor doesn't have to keep reminding him what her job is.
50. Picard's main viewer is a 200 inch hi-definition TV with Nicam and Pro-Logic surround-sound .
51. Picard can spend more than 15 minutes on a planet before being shot at or locked up.
52. Picard's ship was never taken over by a door-to-door salesman.
53. If the Borg had assimilated Kirk, they wouldn't have learned anything.
54. Picard would never blow up his own ship.
55. Imagine you have to impose your authority: "This is Captain Jean Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Now introduce yourself as "James Tiberius Kirk, but you can call me Jim." See the difference?
56. Two Words: better voice.
57. Picard was responsible for Beverly Crusher's husband dying, berated her son constantly in her presence, yet still managed to make her fall for him.
58. Picard was never killed by his first officer.
59. Picard's family made alcoholic beverages for a living.
60. No member of Picard's crew was EVER based on a member of the Monkees.
61. better actor.
62. Picard can do better impressions of his first officer.
63. Picard's crew members sleep with one another on a regular basis.
64. Picard's crew gambles.
65. Picard's ship has better control panels instead of a series of Lite-Brite boards.
66. Picard would never star in a show like "T.J. Hooker."
67. Picard's ship was never taken over by its own computer and made to attack other Starfleet vessels.
68. Picard has never been made into a bad Filmation cartoon.
69. Picard was able to bring Denise Crosby back from the dead. Need we say more?
70. Picard infiltrated Romulus, posed as an intergalactic mercenary, and was tortured extensively after capture by the Cardassians -- and never broke a sweat.
71. Picard has never been demoted.
72. Picard has never had his body taken over by a former lover.
73. Picard has never developed amnesia and thought he was an Indian.
74. Picard's quarters have a window.
75. Nobody ever back-slaps Picard.
76. It's unlikely Picard ever contracted a sexually-transmitted disease.
77. One word: diagnostic (Never heard it on the old show.)
78. Picard has hair on his chest.
79. Picard can actually make being bald, middle-aged, and scrawny look sexy & macho.
80. Picard hired Whoopi Goldberg to work in his bar.
81. Picard is not afraid to mind-meld.
82. Picard's ex kept her name even after the divorce; Kirk's kept it a secret even from her son.
83. Picard has never messed up with the transporter.
84. Picard wasn't afraid to take on Satan.
85. Picard knows Gilgamesh & is able to recite it.
86. Picard argues with his captors while being tortured, Kirk merely screams in agony.
87. Picard never brought a woman back from the 20th Century only to have her blow him off in front of the entire Federation assembly.
88. When Picard talks, people listen.
89. If Khan came aboard Picard's ship, Picard would have had the common sense to restrict what technical manuals he would've been allowed to review.
90. If Picard found a huge glowing sphere in the middle of outer space only to discover it was controlled by a child with an ugly puppet, he'd be pissed.
91. Picard would never ATTEMPT hand-to-hand combat with a Gorn.
92. Picard would never have dropped the charges against Khan.
93. When Kirk went back in time, he frequently messed with history to suit his own ends.
94. When Picard goes undercover, he makes it look easy.
95. Though Picard has contempt for aliens like the Cardassians, he doesn't let it show.
96. Assimilating has never been a problem for Picard.
97. Picard has never trashed Gene Roddenberry.
Thursday, January 22, 2004
Sunday, January 18, 2004
journal excerpts:
it's pretty funny when a mormon guy gets your number and calls and asks what you're up to and your reply is "beer pong."
well, that was dissapointing. i thought i heard a skateboard, expecting to see a fine young chap rolling nearer to me, but to my dismay, as i turned all i saw was a small chinese girl witha a rolling backpack. thanks for ruining my day.
never underestimate the power of the uterus.
it's pretty funny when a mormon guy gets your number and calls and asks what you're up to and your reply is "beer pong."
well, that was dissapointing. i thought i heard a skateboard, expecting to see a fine young chap rolling nearer to me, but to my dismay, as i turned all i saw was a small chinese girl witha a rolling backpack. thanks for ruining my day.
never underestimate the power of the uterus.
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Fwd: FW: You'll like this, unless you are an enemy tank driver
was the subject of an e-mail i received today from my dad.
another line is:
"Turn up the sound and watch this baby burn in!
This must give Iraqi tankers a warm fuzzy feeling."
it was a video that showed an Iraqi tank being blown up via air missle.
it made me want to vomit.
was the subject of an e-mail i received today from my dad.
another line is:
"Turn up the sound and watch this baby burn in!
This must give Iraqi tankers a warm fuzzy feeling."
it was a video that showed an Iraqi tank being blown up via air missle.
it made me want to vomit.
My mom told me today that when i was 3 or 4 she caught me in the bathtub with a bunch of barbies and i had emptied an entire packet of glitter into the foot-deep water. She said my very matter-of-fact explaination was that I was playing mermaid.
Tell you what, glitter mermaid bath sounds wonderful. I'm a badass.
Tell you what, glitter mermaid bath sounds wonderful. I'm a badass.
I've been google image searching things like "disney family vacation" and "family portrait" etc.. I'm going to save about 30 or so to a disc and then have them printed out. I will then frame them and hang them all around my bed. Tell you what, seeing all of these pictures makes me 1: really grateful that my family doesn't suck and 2: really scared about growing up and having ugly children and getting fatter and uglier. . .
try a search or two. see if i'm kidding.
if i could have posted some of the pictures i would have. . . but i suck.
try a search or two. see if i'm kidding.
if i could have posted some of the pictures i would have. . . but i suck.
Sunday, December 28, 2003
i was arrested a few months ago. here's the story.
so, i'm on my way home around 7 to babysit my mom's kids so that she can go to court because of a burgulary charge against our neighbor who stole some money from my mom while we were out of town, (another wonderfully while-trash story i will be happy to share with you another time) when i was stopped by a Peachtree City Piglice Officer for speeding.
He comes up to the window when i quickly said something like "i'm very sorry. i realize i was speeding, and there's no excuse for that. . . but i'm in a huge hurry. i need to be home in 10 minutes to watch my mom's daycare kids because she's been subpoenaed to court because of a burglary charge in our home. please give me a break on this one. . (yadda yadda frantic bullshit)". I guess he didn't bother listening to any of my spiel because after taking my license he proceded to do that police sniff and said "i checked my calibration this mornin before work and i'd be glad to show you that it's runnin correctly. the reason i stopped you, (glance down) miss beaman, is because i clocked you at 73 in a 55 mile an hour speed zone. (it's really too bad you couldn't have heard that nice southern "fifty five.")
So I pass my license over to his sweaty, grubby hand and begin to cry. i then say something else to the extent of "if i get a ticket i'm not going to be able to get to school!". . . "Be back with you in a minute miss beaman" was my response. he didn't sound too promising.
Exausted from about 3 hours sleep the night before and mortified about how my mom will react when i come home LATE with ANOTHER speeding ticket, i sit in the car and let it all soak in. (a/k/a continue crying) As i sat there mumbling things like "please, no, please please please, let me go home, i wanna go home, no, please, etc . . . " and randomly beating my steering wheel, i notice another patrol car pull up behind the other cop. I immediately think "he's not just writing me a warning" and of course "ptc police can't do anything by themselves".
So they (Mr. 8AM arrest and the second dikey chick cop!!!) come strolling over to the driver's side door and "have to ask" me to "step out of the vehicle."
i was then told "you do realize you are driving under a suspended license."
I say "what?"
she says "step over here"
he says "we're placing you under arrest for driving with a suspended license"
i say "what?"
they handcuff me.
they ask "where are your shoes?"
i say ". . . i was in a hurry".
This is some sort of mistake" i say standing on the shoulder handcuffed and without shoes.
"You knew your license was suspended" the opprobrious bitch barked.
"No I didn't. I wouldn't be driving."
"Then why were are you crying before we even told you you were arrested?"
"I'm in a HURRY. . . I'm supposed to be somewhere very important."
"Yeah, right."
Anything in here i should know about? the girl-cop asks as she begins rummaging though Brandy's borrowed car. (oh yeah, i was borrowing brandy's car b/c mine's battery died)
"no." FUCK YOU!
they put me in the patrol car, shoeless.
They take me to the police station that shares it's lot and sign with a sewage treatment plant (which oddly smelled of chocolate pudding. . . ). they take pictures, ask weird questions, take handcuffs off, put handcuffs on, put me in another cruiser with rock-hard seats, and take me to fayette county corrections facility where i was unhand-cuffed, de-pony-tail-holder-ized, and sent to sit in "the pit" (holding cell).
I make my "one phone call" to my mom who has already been called to "get the car off of the highway or it will be impounded in 20 minutes". . . we chat. we're confused. we're mad at me for speeding.
Then they asked me a series of very strange questions i answered "no" to all of. Then one says "go stand on that 'X'"-"ok, now turn towards me"-"and the other way" . . . ( i hope i looked cute)
THEN i was FINGERPRINTED. . . when they say "fingerprinted" they mean each of your fingers, 6 times and each of your entire hands. oh- and one of just your four fingers on each hand- 3 times. This isn't as simple as it all sounds. A sheriff of some kind puts on latex gloves and "guides" your hand back and forth between a big black block of ink and 3 pieces of paper which is all spread out about 2 and a half to 3 feet. . . which is pretty far when you only stand about 5 feet from the ground. There are other detainees all men-ish (i say men-ish because they were really probably around my age. . . and they were definitely not in the category "men" which is short for gentlemen). . . so other prisoner guys (with the orange suits and orange kroger-flip-flops and all) are laughing and pointing at me as my arms are being gently jerked back and forth between ink and paper. i am sort of humiliated. . . sort of extremely entertained.
I washed my hands with orange-clean and go sit in "the pit" again to watch more CNN. I notice a fellow inmate in a cell directly in front of me trying to get my attention. i make the "what" face . . . you know, with the hands, shoulders, and eyebrows. very clearly he mouths "lemme see ya pussy." instead i show him my favorite finger and rather abruptly move out of his line of sight.
"What're you in for?" I giggle. How wonderfully cliche.
"Too many DUI's"
"Yeah. . . that sucks. You shouldn't drink and drive."
"You're telling me."
we wait--
"beaman"
"yeah?"
"your people are here, here's your stuff, sign these papers that say your mom paid your bond of $1024 in cash and is standing on the other side of that wall waiting to tell you what she thinks about all of this, ok thanks, follow him"
jr. sheriff takes me out. . . i see my momma . . . the sagga continues.
so here's how it happened. i got a speeding ticket reduced in march and the city of atlanta never sent the dmv the information that says "this person doesn't have that many points" in april i got a notice that said my license was suspended. i called the dmv. i followed their instruction and sent them a certified copy of my ticket that i bought from the city of atlanta for 5 dollars. i was told all would be taken care of on their end at that point. i didn't worry. 4 months went by. i got a speeding ticket. 2 more months went by, i get arrested for driving with a license i didn't know was suspended.
it has been taken care of.
i am BACK on the road!
so, i'm on my way home around 7 to babysit my mom's kids so that she can go to court because of a burgulary charge against our neighbor who stole some money from my mom while we were out of town, (another wonderfully while-trash story i will be happy to share with you another time) when i was stopped by a Peachtree City Piglice Officer for speeding.
He comes up to the window when i quickly said something like "i'm very sorry. i realize i was speeding, and there's no excuse for that. . . but i'm in a huge hurry. i need to be home in 10 minutes to watch my mom's daycare kids because she's been subpoenaed to court because of a burglary charge in our home. please give me a break on this one. . (yadda yadda frantic bullshit)". I guess he didn't bother listening to any of my spiel because after taking my license he proceded to do that police sniff and said "i checked my calibration this mornin before work and i'd be glad to show you that it's runnin correctly. the reason i stopped you, (glance down) miss beaman, is because i clocked you at 73 in a 55 mile an hour speed zone. (it's really too bad you couldn't have heard that nice southern "fifty five.")
So I pass my license over to his sweaty, grubby hand and begin to cry. i then say something else to the extent of "if i get a ticket i'm not going to be able to get to school!". . . "Be back with you in a minute miss beaman" was my response. he didn't sound too promising.
Exausted from about 3 hours sleep the night before and mortified about how my mom will react when i come home LATE with ANOTHER speeding ticket, i sit in the car and let it all soak in. (a/k/a continue crying) As i sat there mumbling things like "please, no, please please please, let me go home, i wanna go home, no, please, etc . . . " and randomly beating my steering wheel, i notice another patrol car pull up behind the other cop. I immediately think "he's not just writing me a warning" and of course "ptc police can't do anything by themselves".
So they (Mr. 8AM arrest and the second dikey chick cop!!!) come strolling over to the driver's side door and "have to ask" me to "step out of the vehicle."
i was then told "you do realize you are driving under a suspended license."
I say "what?"
she says "step over here"
he says "we're placing you under arrest for driving with a suspended license"
i say "what?"
they handcuff me.
they ask "where are your shoes?"
i say ". . . i was in a hurry".
This is some sort of mistake" i say standing on the shoulder handcuffed and without shoes.
"You knew your license was suspended" the opprobrious bitch barked.
"No I didn't. I wouldn't be driving."
"Then why were are you crying before we even told you you were arrested?"
"I'm in a HURRY. . . I'm supposed to be somewhere very important."
"Yeah, right."
Anything in here i should know about? the girl-cop asks as she begins rummaging though Brandy's borrowed car. (oh yeah, i was borrowing brandy's car b/c mine's battery died)
"no." FUCK YOU!
they put me in the patrol car, shoeless.
They take me to the police station that shares it's lot and sign with a sewage treatment plant (which oddly smelled of chocolate pudding. . . ). they take pictures, ask weird questions, take handcuffs off, put handcuffs on, put me in another cruiser with rock-hard seats, and take me to fayette county corrections facility where i was unhand-cuffed, de-pony-tail-holder-ized, and sent to sit in "the pit" (holding cell).
I make my "one phone call" to my mom who has already been called to "get the car off of the highway or it will be impounded in 20 minutes". . . we chat. we're confused. we're mad at me for speeding.
Then they asked me a series of very strange questions i answered "no" to all of. Then one says "go stand on that 'X'"-"ok, now turn towards me"-"and the other way" . . . ( i hope i looked cute)
THEN i was FINGERPRINTED. . . when they say "fingerprinted" they mean each of your fingers, 6 times and each of your entire hands. oh- and one of just your four fingers on each hand- 3 times. This isn't as simple as it all sounds. A sheriff of some kind puts on latex gloves and "guides" your hand back and forth between a big black block of ink and 3 pieces of paper which is all spread out about 2 and a half to 3 feet. . . which is pretty far when you only stand about 5 feet from the ground. There are other detainees all men-ish (i say men-ish because they were really probably around my age. . . and they were definitely not in the category "men" which is short for gentlemen). . . so other prisoner guys (with the orange suits and orange kroger-flip-flops and all) are laughing and pointing at me as my arms are being gently jerked back and forth between ink and paper. i am sort of humiliated. . . sort of extremely entertained.
I washed my hands with orange-clean and go sit in "the pit" again to watch more CNN. I notice a fellow inmate in a cell directly in front of me trying to get my attention. i make the "what" face . . . you know, with the hands, shoulders, and eyebrows. very clearly he mouths "lemme see ya pussy." instead i show him my favorite finger and rather abruptly move out of his line of sight.
"What're you in for?" I giggle. How wonderfully cliche.
"Too many DUI's"
"Yeah. . . that sucks. You shouldn't drink and drive."
"You're telling me."
we wait--
"beaman"
"yeah?"
"your people are here, here's your stuff, sign these papers that say your mom paid your bond of $1024 in cash and is standing on the other side of that wall waiting to tell you what she thinks about all of this, ok thanks, follow him"
jr. sheriff takes me out. . . i see my momma . . . the sagga continues.
so here's how it happened. i got a speeding ticket reduced in march and the city of atlanta never sent the dmv the information that says "this person doesn't have that many points" in april i got a notice that said my license was suspended. i called the dmv. i followed their instruction and sent them a certified copy of my ticket that i bought from the city of atlanta for 5 dollars. i was told all would be taken care of on their end at that point. i didn't worry. 4 months went by. i got a speeding ticket. 2 more months went by, i get arrested for driving with a license i didn't know was suspended.
it has been taken care of.
i am BACK on the road!
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
Thursday, December 11, 2003
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Friday, November 21, 2003
i found the camera i thought i lost and went to the atmosphere show.
i also went to Dad's Garage to see really great improv and met MC Chris. A highlight of my life. MC Chris is of course the voice of Hesh on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim comedy Sealab 2021, one of the funniest shows on television. . . right up there with Family Guy, The Simpsons, and MXC. Check it out.
i also went to Dad's Garage to see really great improv and met MC Chris. A highlight of my life. MC Chris is of course the voice of Hesh on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim comedy Sealab 2021, one of the funniest shows on television. . . right up there with Family Guy, The Simpsons, and MXC. Check it out.
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