Friday, January 23, 2004

Why Picard is superior to Kirk.
1. Picard's worst episodes were originally written for Kirk.
2. Picard discovers new life, new civilizations and strange new worlds, not discarded movie sets from period 1950's dramas.
3. Picard can act out entire Shakespearean plays, not merely remember 1 or 2 lines.
4. Picard can get his ship to orbit a planet in both directions.
5. Picard would never ever date a shape-shifter who had previously morphed into a little girl.
6. Picard doesn't need to wear glasses.
7. Picard didn't have to reprogram a computer to give him better grades in order to graduate from Starfleet Academy.
8. Picard has a ship whose engines can take it.
9. Picard has to contend with the "Prime Directive" - a ruling imposed on him by Starfleet after they saw what a complete shambles resulted when they let Kirk meet new alien races.
10. Picard never met Joan Collins.
11. Picard's bridge doesn't sound like an aviary.
12. One question: to which Captain would you entrust the safety of your daughter?
13. Picard is far too cool to beam down to a planet, strip to his waist and wrestle with some guy in a rubber lizard suit. He lets his First Officer do all that for him.
14. Picard never shot his best friend's body into space in a photon torpedo.
15. Kirk probably thinks a concerto is a kind of ice cream dessert.
16. Picard doesn't need hair - real or not.
17. Picard's crew are too sophisticated to be taken over by a bunch of women in go-go boots and have the most intelligent person aboard controlled by a box that has less buttons than a Super Nintendo joypad.
18. If their situations were reversed, Kirk would probably nail Troi. Picard has standards.
19. Kirk can just about drive a stick-shift. Picard sells Pontiacs during the commercial break.
20. Picard has a real bar aboard his ship.
21. Picard would never have let his second in command irradiate himself in the engine room.

22. Unlike Kirk's, Picard's middle name doesn't sound like an infectious disease.
23. Kirk has to fight Klingons to get his way. Picard only has to tell them what to do.
24. Picard has a small, convenient hands-free communicator, not a Fisher Price spin-n-whizz baby toy.
25. Picard would never let himself get turned into a woman.
26. Picard never has to sign an Etch-a-Sketch attendance register kept by Yeomans with hair like a helter-skelter.
27. Picard never cries in front of his crew when one of them gets killed.
28. Kirk is so boring he's caused several computers to self-destruct merely by talking to them.
29. Picard knows how to make a starship last. Kirk has gone through 3 already; that's a trifle careless.
30. Picard can climb rocks without falling off.
31. Picard's uniform fits. Particularly around the midriff.
32. Picard had a large serrated knife pushed into his back, through his heart and out his chest.... and he just Laughed at it!!
33. Kirk fights like Adam West.
34. Picard blows up another starship more than once a season.
35. Picard never has to put bits of Lego into his computers to make them work.
36. Picard's phaser fires a burst of potentially lethal energy. It does not fire a stream of red felt-tip pen.
37. Picard never needs a pessimistic Scot to beam him out of the crap when things get ugly.
38. When Picard has a holiday he goes home, gets drunk and brawls. Kirk sits at a camp-fire toasting marshmallows while singing "Row row row your boat" .
39. Picard ate Romulan soup and didn't even flinch. Much.
40. Picard doesn't need to jump through big stone doughnuts to travel in time.
41. Picard would never let his son get killed by Klingons.
42. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked around Sherwood Forest. Kirk has no sense of humour.
43. If Kirk had a doctor like Beverly Crusher, Starfleet would have to relocate the command chair in sick-bay.
44. Picard isn't afraid to go places without a security team.
45. Picard doesn't wear pansy sailor-boy markings on his cuffs.
46. Picard has shuttlecraft that can travel faster than Kirk's ship.
47. Picard won't spend his retirement writing science fiction books or making cameo appearances in Zemeckis & Zemeckis films.
48. Picard was never demoted to a lieutenant in the L.A. Police Department.
49. Picard's doctor doesn't have to keep reminding him what her job is.
50. Picard's main viewer is a 200 inch hi-definition TV with Nicam and Pro-Logic surround-sound .
51. Picard can spend more than 15 minutes on a planet before being shot at or locked up.
52. Picard's ship was never taken over by a door-to-door salesman.
53. If the Borg had assimilated Kirk, they wouldn't have learned anything.
54. Picard would never blow up his own ship.
55. Imagine you have to impose your authority: "This is Captain Jean Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Now introduce yourself as "James Tiberius Kirk, but you can call me Jim." See the difference?
56. Two Words: better voice.
57. Picard was responsible for Beverly Crusher's husband dying, berated her son constantly in her presence, yet still managed to make her fall for him.
58. Picard was never killed by his first officer.
59. Picard's family made alcoholic beverages for a living.
60. No member of Picard's crew was EVER based on a member of the Monkees.
61. better actor.
62. Picard can do better impressions of his first officer.
63. Picard's crew members sleep with one another on a regular basis.
64. Picard's crew gambles.
65. Picard's ship has better control panels instead of a series of Lite-Brite boards.
66. Picard would never star in a show like "T.J. Hooker."
67. Picard's ship was never taken over by its own computer and made to attack other Starfleet vessels.
68. Picard has never been made into a bad Filmation cartoon.
69. Picard was able to bring Denise Crosby back from the dead. Need we say more?
70. Picard infiltrated Romulus, posed as an intergalactic mercenary, and was tortured extensively after capture by the Cardassians -- and never broke a sweat.
71. Picard has never been demoted.
72. Picard has never had his body taken over by a former lover.
73. Picard has never developed amnesia and thought he was an Indian.
74. Picard's quarters have a window.
75. Nobody ever back-slaps Picard.
76. It's unlikely Picard ever contracted a sexually-transmitted disease.
77. One word: diagnostic (Never heard it on the old show.)
78. Picard has hair on his chest.
79. Picard can actually make being bald, middle-aged, and scrawny look sexy & macho.
80. Picard hired Whoopi Goldberg to work in his bar.
81. Picard is not afraid to mind-meld.
82. Picard's ex kept her name even after the divorce; Kirk's kept it a secret even from her son.
83. Picard has never messed up with the transporter.
84. Picard wasn't afraid to take on Satan.
85. Picard knows Gilgamesh & is able to recite it.
86. Picard argues with his captors while being tortured, Kirk merely screams in agony.
87. Picard never brought a woman back from the 20th Century only to have her blow him off in front of the entire Federation assembly.
88. When Picard talks, people listen.
89. If Khan came aboard Picard's ship, Picard would have had the common sense to restrict what technical manuals he would've been allowed to review.
90. If Picard found a huge glowing sphere in the middle of outer space only to discover it was controlled by a child with an ugly puppet, he'd be pissed.
91. Picard would never ATTEMPT hand-to-hand combat with a Gorn.
92. Picard would never have dropped the charges against Khan.
93. When Kirk went back in time, he frequently messed with history to suit his own ends.
94. When Picard goes undercover, he makes it look easy.
95. Though Picard has contempt for aliens like the Cardassians, he doesn't let it show.
96. Assimilating has never been a problem for Picard.
97. Picard has never trashed Gene Roddenberry.

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