Saturday, May 10, 2008

I made the mistake of going to a Captain D's today.
(Yeah yeah, Captain D's nuuuuts, right guys, get it out now)

I know that most of my readers probably said "ew, why?" audibly because the previous statement about eating at a chain fast food restaurant that primarily sells fried fish seems like a horrible idea Kristen, duh.

I had never been & I was hungry & I am sick of Burger King veggie burgers & someone I know was in a Captain D's commercial as a child. . . so I figured, LET'S DO THIS! (alone)

Mistake #1: Deciding to "DO THIS!"

Mistake #2: Asking the employee "What's your favorite thing?"

Mistake #3: Ordering the " Fish & Shrimp Special"

Mistake #4: Ordering a water; Now that I think about it, I believe I paid for a drink.

So I made some mistakes . . .

While waiting for my food to come up to the counter, a family came in behind me.
One or more persons in this party smelled like a FILTHY dog.
My food came up to the counter, not onto the counter as you might have thought.
Remember, at this point I hadn't eaten in 8 hours or so.
I moved away quickly to join the (2) other patrons in the "Dining Room"

MUSIC: The music seemed to be a manager's mix tape of forgotten soft hits from the 90's & forgotten soft hits for the Lord, seemingly also from the 90's.

THE BATHROOM: The bathroom had a handwritten sign on it that read "NO SMOKING IN THE BATHROOM PLEASE"
Apparently there had been problems in the past.
It didn't look too bad inside, but I took no chances, I could see what kind of asses were regulars on those toilets. (Regulars. ha.)
I washed my hands.

THE DINING EXPERIENCE: As I began to peel the fried batter from the fish, I heard the sounds of hacking and snorting from the woman to my right. . . She appeared to be on a date with a man 20 years her senior. She was no Spring chicken, but he was definitely either her father, or the older man she loved (living off of his social security checks.)

The family of 4 finally moves into the Dining Room, carrying 5 trays.
I pray they don't sit near me.

This is how God proves he exists in my life.
They felt needed to be at the table that's closest to the pumpable tarter sauce.
Either way
Thank you.

The family consisted of an old OLD lady and a large mom figure whose curly mass of hair looked as though she tried to bleach it herself. . . 3 months ago, 5 times in the same day.
It was that orange-ish poop-ish color that happens . . .
It looked like it probably felt like the dog that one of them smelled like.

The woman on the date had similar hair, but hers had seen conditioner at least once this month and was slightly a different color.

Back to the family. The children accompanying the women were 15 and 17? Both Boys.
The younger of the two weighed probably as much as the large lady and the old woman combined.
The Older of the two was wearing those ridiculously wide, slip-knot style pants and a Mountain Dew t-shirt.
I think he and his mom dyed their hair together, because his was almost the same color. . . but straight, like a horse.
Although, I think a horse's hair would be softer.
I would be willing to bet on that.
(I'm trying to think of a "placing bets" horse races joke, but i got nothin)

I enjoyed the hush puppies that came with my meal.
That is all.

I realized about 10 minutes into it that I hadn't really eaten much because the batter took so long to peel off. . .
i KNOW, but I thought I wanted a little fried food. a little. not a PLATE full.
I hadn't eaten much and I wasn't full by any means but my body began to react.
I felt light headed.
I think I almost passed out.
I think I came close to having a heart attack because I could feel my heart violently pumping the oil on through.
I swear, if I ever have a heart attack I will be very very angry with myself because I will know deep down inside, this meal was the reason. AND IT WAS NOT WORTH IT.

As I left I touched nothing. I kicked all doors to open them.

I noticed on my way out that the family who began eating after me, had left before me.
Yes, 4 people, 5 trays, 6 minutes.

And finally here's a "Beautiful portrait" that came up on the google image search:

Captain D's



yeh. I sed Captain Deez Nuts when you mentioned this to me...
I also got a sundae from mcdonald's once that didn't have a lot of nuts on it. So i asked the lady behind the counter if i could get more of "deez." (motioning to the lack of nuts on the sundae) and she replied "deez what?" and i said "Deez nuts!"....
I guess in theory i got it out a long time ago, and shouldn't have said it again.

emily said...

I love the combination of improper bleach usage and dog smell... I once had neighbors like that. They had so much earwax in their ears it would poke out like grow rocks and when you went to their house you would have to wait for them to 'clear you a path' before you could come inside. They had 8 children - who all smelled like dog - but strangely enough, they didn't have a dog - only like, 20 something feral parakeets, that shat freely all over their house.

Anonymous said...

I really did think "Eww." That sounds like Capt'n D(iarrhea)'s. I'm sure your poop was sick. I'll send you a lice comb. It sounds like you might need it after eating there.

Even homeless people won't dump behind the Capt'n D's on Prince. That should be your first clue that maybe it isn't the culinary adventure you anticipated. You are brave.

The Rabbit said...

the athens homeless are picky assholes who won't take free chicken burrito deluxes. . .
i was once told "i only like steak"
you don't get that choice, some bitch said no sour cream and we are willing to give this to you.

Anonymous said...

That's 'cause you were silly enough to give hobos food. There's like 3 homeless shelters and soup kitchens within a one mile radius downtown. Taco does not equal booze or meth. naturally, they're not interested. I always point them in the direction of the Sparrow's Nest and try not to get stabbed.