To quote Britney Spears,
as I do just about everyday,

"Gimmie gimmie more
gimmie more
gimmie gimmie"

Now that I'm an official Peddler, I thought I'd change up my pitches a little.
Here are a few lines I've been practicing:

With APX Alarm,
to your home shan't a burglar cause harm!


Motion Detector, Glass Break Sensor,
with these items, no theif shall enter!






Ideas?

I made the mistake of going to a Captain D's today.
(Yeah yeah, Captain D's nuuuuts, right guys, get it out now)

I know that most of my readers probably said "ew, why?" audibly because the previous statement about eating at a chain fast food restaurant that primarily sells fried fish seems like a horrible idea Kristen, duh.

I had never been & I was hungry & I am sick of Burger King veggie burgers & someone I know was in a Captain D's commercial as a child. . . so I figured, LET'S DO THIS! (alone)

Mistake #1: Deciding to "DO THIS!"

Mistake #2: Asking the employee "What's your favorite thing?"

Mistake #3: Ordering the " Fish & Shrimp Special"

Mistake #4: Ordering a water; Now that I think about it, I believe I paid for a drink.

So I made some mistakes . . .

While waiting for my food to come up to the counter, a family came in behind me.
One or more persons in this party smelled like a FILTHY dog.
RANK and NAUSEATING.
My food came up to the counter, not onto the counter as you might have thought.
Remember, at this point I hadn't eaten in 8 hours or so.
I moved away quickly to join the (2) other patrons in the "Dining Room"

MUSIC: The music seemed to be a manager's mix tape of forgotten soft hits from the 90's & forgotten soft hits for the Lord, seemingly also from the 90's.

THE BATHROOM: The bathroom had a handwritten sign on it that read "NO SMOKING IN THE BATHROOM PLEASE"
Apparently there had been problems in the past.
It didn't look too bad inside, but I took no chances, I could see what kind of asses were regulars on those toilets. (Regulars. ha.)
I washed my hands.


THE DINING EXPERIENCE: As I began to peel the fried batter from the fish, I heard the sounds of hacking and snorting from the woman to my right. . . She appeared to be on a date with a man 20 years her senior. She was no Spring chicken, but he was definitely either her father, or the older man she loved (living off of his social security checks.)

The family of 4 finally moves into the Dining Room, carrying 5 trays.
I pray they don't sit near me.

This is how God proves he exists in my life.
OR
They felt needed to be at the table that's closest to the pumpable tarter sauce.
Either way
Thank you.

The family consisted of an old OLD lady and a large mom figure whose curly mass of hair looked as though she tried to bleach it herself. . . 3 months ago, 5 times in the same day.
It was that orange-ish poop-ish color that happens . . .
It looked like it probably felt like the dog that one of them smelled like.

The woman on the date had similar hair, but hers had seen conditioner at least once this month and was slightly a different color.

Back to the family. The children accompanying the women were 15 and 17? Both Boys.
The younger of the two weighed probably as much as the large lady and the old woman combined.
Acne.
The Older of the two was wearing those ridiculously wide, slip-knot style pants and a Mountain Dew t-shirt.
I think he and his mom dyed their hair together, because his was almost the same color. . . but straight, like a horse.
Although, I think a horse's hair would be softer.
I would be willing to bet on that.
(I'm trying to think of a "placing bets" horse races joke, but i got nothin)

I enjoyed the hush puppies that came with my meal.
That is all.

I realized about 10 minutes into it that I hadn't really eaten much because the batter took so long to peel off. . .
i KNOW, but I thought I wanted a little fried food. a little. not a PLATE full.
I hadn't eaten much and I wasn't full by any means but my body began to react.
I felt light headed.
I think I almost passed out.
I think I came close to having a heart attack because I could feel my heart violently pumping the oil on through.
I swear, if I ever have a heart attack I will be very very angry with myself because I will know deep down inside, this meal was the reason. AND IT WAS NOT WORTH IT.

As I left I touched nothing. I kicked all doors to open them.

I noticed on my way out that the family who began eating after me, had left before me.
Yes, 4 people, 5 trays, 6 minutes.



And finally here's a "Beautiful portrait" that came up on the google image search:

Captain D's
www.flickr.com/photos/maintrainonline/135214244/

I am officially a sales person.

HOLY AWESOME

Kt is finally blogging

You know it's promising when a guy gives you his e-mail address and it reads: rollaphatj@hothoo.com

This Guy.

Hook it UP

When's the last time you did a proper head-stand?
I asked myself that a few moments ago & decided to make the answer to that question March 26, 2008!


You should try it again, keeping in mind that it's really easy to hurt your neck. . .

Holy crap.
I just e-mailed BOB.

The bus driver is Jim Henson.

I'm so into this sketch.
I know what me & my unsuspecting friends are going to be for Halloween 08.

Fitness made photoshop!



I'm not saying he's a fake or a farce. . .
I'm JUST saying that he looks like his face is photoshopped onto his body and that no one should look like that.

ever.


but rock and roll John Basedow . . . I hope you make millions on your confusing body.

i want to do one hilarious movie and meet a bunch of celebs and host snl and such.
i mean gosh napoleon.

i want to make a reality show staring all of the people who were eliminated first on reality shows.

It's bad enough that the product is called "Mucinex."
Is this ongoing snot marketing really necessary?
Foul.

The 6 Most Terrifying Foods In The World

I totally stole this post from scarnsworth

I always end up bawling when I watch Animal Planet. . .

Why so much of that horrifying animal cops show and orphaned starving baby elephants and abused chimps?



Bring on more Puppy Bowl & Planets Funniest Animals



The baby just died. I officially can't handle Animal Planet.

I'm totally listening to "Opps I Did It Again" right now.


That is just so typically me.
oh baby baby.

yea yea yea yea yea yeah.

Giant chicklet teeth.
I think I might scream in horror if I ever meet Gary Busey.

HAPPY BIRFDAY BUNNY!
I love you like Haim loves Feldman.

(yes, like hot hot drug abusing teen sensations with the same name- that kind of love)

I love you more than:

Flying


Tiny Zombie Animals


Myspace.com




New York




Google Image Search: Porridge


Internet Friends


Dog Shows


The South


Art








Reflections


The Daily Show


Rats & Goldfish


& ZB's cat on cuteoverload.com



A lot.

There's nothing more disgusting than a dripping MTA train.

You are everyone's dream girl Bridget